I feel nothing. I only hear.
I hear the bored world telling me
I’m nothing special.
I hear death, charming and strong.
It tells me to come…
Beckons me with its fingers
The whisper, so close to my ear.
I shiver.
My heart beats faster as Death begs it to find peace.
“Come.”
My body longs for it,
My mind tingles.
Let me lie with you.
I come for death.
I rest at last.
I tried to kill myself. It didn’t work. I keep wondering… was I even close?
Why is it up to someone else to determine what is right for my life? Why is it up to others to tell me that it’s wrong for me to want to die? It’s a conflict of interest when family says it’s selfish for me to try to kill myself. If I’m in pain, isn’t it selfish of them to ask me to stay, to spare them from pain?
Mine is only one life. I want to go out as inconsequentially as a candle. People who don’t speak to me or spend time with me in my painful moments tell me I have to stay. It’s what they need, it’s what they want… but if they aren’t interested, they can’t be bothered to give their time to me, would they even notice if I was gone? This reminds me of my incessant need to shop and inability to throw away purchases I’ve never used.
I’ve heard it said that people who think about suicide aren’t necessarily going to kill themselves. When people decide to kill themselves they are often calm or at peace. This is what I felt. A sudden peace, knowing that this is what was right.
Afterward, I only regretted it not working. I may have been at peace or perhaps was so detached from the event that I had very little feelings toward it. Leaving this world was going to be harder than I thought.
I didn’t want to face my boyfriend. He kept asking to see me and I kept making excuses. When I tried to cancel on him for the millionth time in the course of three days, he called me out. I let him come. I left the door unlocked and lay in bed. When he entered my room I looked at him, emotionlessly.
I couldn’t bare to hold the weight of his pain. I rolled over uninterested and detached from his feelings. Why didn’t how I felt matter.
He climbed into bed and held me and cried.
It took me a few days but suddenly it hit me. If he had tried to kill himself, how would I feel?
It is my desire to strive to be a better me every day. I have interpreted my life experiences as a message to myself that reminds me over and over how terrible I am. I associate this guilt with religion.
However, I believe inner peace can be found in loving others without judgement. Rather than disparaging myself I wish to focus on the value of others. One message I have held onto from Christianity is to love others.
It is difficult not to judge. I hear a story of some terrible act, told not with regret, but with humour or relayed without any shame, and I think ‘I would never do that.’
Each day I am reminded that I should never underestimate the evil in myself. Never overestimate the evil in others. I continually surprise myself in the worst ways. Humility is a key component in love. Judgement often comes from the belief that I am superior in some way.
Self-love and self-acceptance are currently highly promoted. I believe loving yourself is important. I also believe that the self-love we support so strongly today is being promoted counter-intuitively.
Posting selfies constantly and seeking approval from others only drags down our self-esteem. We focus on our appearance rather than what our talents and gifts can contribute to the world. Posting on social media becomes about how many likes a photo can get. Changing how we look or present ourselves to get the highest amount of responses is not self-love.
At work, I listen to stories of people cheating on spouses. I listen to women say they’re glad a co-worker died. I listen to people saying they hate someone who, in my mind, is very similar to them. I listen to men calling women they’ve slept with, whores. While I have an opinion, my place is not to judge. Why is humanity like this? How can I display love and not judgement?
I have discovered that the best way to witness hate is to respond with love. The best way to tolerate bullying is to respond with understanding.
Kindess for all.
Absently Searching 